Breaking the Agreements: Fighting for Your Marriage in the Midst of War

Inspired by Love and War by John and Stasi Eldredge

Marriage is a battlefield—not because it’s doomed, but because it’s sacred. In Love and War, John and Stasi Eldredge pull back the curtain on the unseen spiritual war waged against every marriage. They remind us that we have an Enemy—not just a personality clash or communication gap—but a real adversary who is hell-bent on dividing what God has joined together.

One of the Enemy’s most subtle and effective tactics is to lure us into making agreements. These are not written contracts or loud declarations, but quiet, internal vows—whispers in our soul that we eventually start to live out. Agreements shape the way we see our spouse, our marriage, and ourselves. And left unchallenged, they become strongholds.

Take note of a few of the most common agreements the Enemy tempts us to make in marriage, do any of these sound familiar to you?

“It’s just not going to get any better.”

This is an agreement of despair. It sounds logical after a season of unresolved conflict or emotional distance. But it subtly convinces us to stop hoping, stop praying, and stop trying. The moment we agree with it, we settle into resignation—and we remove the possibility of change. But Jesus is the God of resurrection. If He can raise the dead, He can breathe life into a dying marriage.

“Don’t rock the boat; settle for what you’ve got.”

This one sounds like wisdom, but it’s really fear in disguise. We tell ourselves that peace is better than truth. But unspoken hurts fester, and intimacy withers in the absence of authenticity. Marriage is meant to be a place of truth-telling and transformation. Settling is the opposite of loving.

“It’s not worth the effort; don’t give it one more try.”

Exhaustion is real. But this agreement invites apathy—and apathy is deadly in a marriage. It can feel like a form of self-preservation, but really, it’s surrendering ground to the Enemy. The truth is, fighting for your marriage is always worth it. Not just for your sake, but for what your union represents—a living picture of God’s love.

“Never let anyone hurt you again.”

This vow feels like self-protection, especially if you’ve been deeply wounded. But walls that keep pain out also keep love out. Vulnerability is risky, but it’s the only path to intimacy. The alternative is a marriage where two people coexist safely behind emotional walls, never truly knowing one another.

“I’m just not going to trust him/her anymore.”

Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and when it’s broken, it must be rebuilt—but refusing to trust again is an agreement to live in fear and suspicion. That’s not God’s design. Trust doesn’t mean ignoring wounds; it means choosing forgiveness and allowing God to rebuild what’s been broken.

“You do your thing and I’ll do mine.”

Independence can feel like a ceasefire. But God designed marriage as a partnership—“two becoming one.” This agreement sounds like maturity, but it breeds emotional distance. Unity doesn’t mean uniformity, but it does require mutual pursuit and shared purpose.

“I shouldn’t have married him/her.”

Regret is a poison the Enemy loves to pour into our hearts. Once we entertain the idea that we married the wrong person, we stop investing. But every marriage is made up of two broken people learning to love each other through grace. If you’re married, you’re with the “right” person—because they’re the one you made a covenant with.

“I’d be happier with someone else.”

This agreement invites comparison and fuels discontentment. It turns our eyes from our spouse and onto fantasy. But happiness is not found in a different person; it’s found in deeper surrender to God, and in fighting for the one you’ve already chosen.

What Do We Do With These Agreements?

We are reminded to renounce these agreements—to break them in the name of Jesus. You can pray, “I break the agreement that ___, and I renounce the lie that comes with it. I ask You, God, to replace it with Your truth.” Place these agreements at the cross, and Jesus will replace them with Truth!

Marriage is a place where God meets us, shapes us, and teaches us how to love like He does. We don’t win by avoiding the fight—we win by fighting the right enemy. You and your spouse were meant to be allies, not adversaries.

Discussion questions:

1. Which of these agreements have you unknowingly made in your marriage, and how have they shaped the way you relate to your spouse?

2. What would it look like to break one of these agreements and replace it with God’s truth today?

3. How can you and your spouse begin fighting *with* each other instead of *against* each other in the spiritual battle for your marriage?